Not Letting Go Read online

  The sound of the bathroom door opening, followed by the coarse sound of retching. “Shit.”

  “What was that?” he asked.

  I pushed at his chest, and squeezed my eyes shut. “It's my dad,” I told him. “His treatment.... It makes him pretty sick.”

  “Oh...” Bradley whispered, “okay.” He knelt up, rearranging his boxers. “I um... what do you want to do?”

  I bit down on my lip, trying to still my panting breaths. “I don't know,” I told him. I was still so fucking aroused it hurt, but it didn't seem right what we were doing. Not with Dad next door, like that. “What do you think?”

  He got up from the bed. “Maybe we'd better get off to sleep.” He slid under the covers of the camp bed.

  “Yeah,” I agreed, although I knew I wouldn't sleep.

  He lay on his back for a few minutes, and I listened as his breathing slowed. I had no idea if he was asleep, but he turned away from me, pulling the covers up over his shoulder. I watched the silhouette of his body in the dark, longing for him to turn over and kiss me. Not the type of kiss we'd just shared, but one that told me everything was going to be all right. But that was the kind of kiss he couldn't give me.

  * * * *

  I'm a horrible person. One who barely sheds a tear when his dad dies, but who falls apart when he has a pathetic row with his boyfriend.

  Mum knocks on my door. “Love, you're running late,” she says. “You need to get up.”

  “I'm not going in,” I yell through the door, which opens immediately.

  Mum's already dressed for work, smart in her Owl and Pussycat jumper. “What's up?”

  “Dodgy stomach.” I rub at my belly.

  “Oh.” She peers at me. “You don't look that well. You're a bit pale. Do you need me to stay at home with you?”

  “Mum, I'm seventeen,” I tell her, as if she forgot all about that whole giving birth to me business.

  “But even so, I can call in if you want. It's not a problem. I'm sure there's some stuff I can do at home if I need to.”

  “Nah,” I wave her away. “I'm okay. Just feel a bit sick, that's all. I reckon I'll be back at school tomorrow.”

  “Well, if you're sure.”

  “Mum, I'll be fine. I promise.”

  “Okay. Well make sure you get some rest, and when I get back I'll make you something to eat.” She's used to making meals for sick people. “Oh, I've got a delivery coming sometime this afternoon. Do you think you'll be able to sign for it?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay. Remember to get plenty of fluids. I'll see you later, all right?”

  At eight thirty two, he texts me. Where r u? xx

  He must be in our usual place, round the back of the courtyard, where we meet before going to Tutor. He always greets me there, that great big Bradley grin on his face, and if no one's around he wraps his strong arms around me and presses his lips to mine for our first kiss of the day. Tutor doesn't start until quarter to, so I wait at least twenty minutes before texting him back. It's petty I know, but he's going to have to wait to hear from me. After all, if we're not going to be together next year, like he reckons, then he'd better get used to it. All I send back is Home. Ill. No first kiss of the day from me.

  At break time another text comes through. Shit. Detention 4 checkin phone in tutor. U coming 2 footie 2nite? B xx

  He probably picks up my stark No, at lunchtime.

  I might have been lying to my mum about having a dodgy stomach, but that doesn't mean I don't feel like I've been punched there, the wind knocked right out of me. Bradley seemed so angry last night, so sure that I'd go away without him, but he doesn't understand. I can't lose somebody else. I can't lose everything. And he is everything to me. The last few months have shown me that it's not just about fun and fooling around together. I'm not sure it ever was. What was the first thing I wanted to know when Mum told me? “Can Bradley come round?”

  I'm grateful to Mum that she's never treated me and Bradley like little kids, messing about. “Young love can last,” she told me. “It often doesn't. But that doesn't mean it can't.” Her and Dad got together when they were teenagers so I suppose she knows what it's like. That thought causes my stomach to contract, nausea fizzing into my mouth. I make a dash for the bathroom, but there's nothing there to throw up, and I hang over the toilet bowl, my chest heaving, sweat breaking through the pores on my face. I'm a horrible, horrible person. Moping over my boyfriend when Mum's just lost someone she's loved for over thirty years. For almost twice as long as I've even been alive. Way back before Julie or I were born, it was just the two of them. Her and Dad. Suzie and Will. Thirty-odd years of love. And now it's gone.

  I get up from the floor and chase a toothbrush around my mouth. Will Bradley and I still be in love in thirty years time? Longer? Till Death Do Us Part? Who knows?

  The doorbell goes. I want to ignore it, but I know it's the delivery Mum wanted me to sign for, and I've had enough of being selfish. I spit the toothpaste into the sink and pad down the stairs in my bare feet.

  It's Bradley. Not wearing that usual smile I love so much. He looks tired, his eyes sad.

  “What you doing here?” I ask him. “I thought you were at school.”

  “I wanted to see you,” he says. “So I bunked off.” A trace of Bradley grin forms in a tiny dimple in his cheek. “Can I come in?”

  I've still only got my boxers and T-shirt on, with the door wide open for all the neighbours to see. “Yeah.”

  As he follows me up the stairs, I wonder if his heart is racing like mine.

  “You on your own?”

  “Yeah, my mum's at work. I thought you were the delivery guy.” I offer him a tight smile.

  “Yeah, you wish...” he teases me, reaching a hand out to give me a gentle prod in the stomach. “How you feeling?”

  “I'm fine,” I tell him, and then feel like an idiot when I realise he's asking because I told him I was off sick.

  “So you're fine, and you're off school? That doesn't sound like my Joshy.” My Joshy.

  I sigh. “It's not.”

  “So?”

  “So... I dunno.” My voice cracks around the thick lump forming in my throat. Hot tears well against my eyelashes.

  “Oh Joshy,” he says. And then his arms are there. Like they were that time in Tutor, when I needed him to hold me, so I didn't crumple to the floor. I bury my head against him, a stream of snot soaking into the fabric of his T-shirt. He doesn't pull away, just holds me close, his warm hand cupping the back of my head, his fingers stroking lightly at the nape of my neck. There for me, like he always has been. My Bradley.

  “What can I do?” he asks me. “What do you need, Joshy?”

  “I need... my... dad... back,” I tell him, gulping the words out.

  And then he's crying too. “I can't,” he says. “I wish I could.” He whispers it in a quiet breath against my neck. “I'd do anything for you.” I know he means it.

  I cling to him, huge sobs shuddering through my body. And he holds me through them, soaking up my grief.

  When I finally lift my head to look into his eyes, he looks back at me like I'm the most beautiful person in the world, even though my face is a mess, soggy with snot and tears.

  “It scared me so much...” he tells me. “That you didn't cry. Not when it happened, or at the funeral, or anything. It scares me now to see how strong you are. You're going through all this shit, and you're handling it.” He runs the back of his arm over his face. “I'm not good enough for you.” He lets out a shaky sigh. “I can't even get the fucking grades I need to get into uni, and be with you next year.”

  “I'm not going.”

  He looks at me, startled. “What do you mean?”

  “I'm not going to uni. Not next year. I can't. I can't face it. I need things to stay the same for a while, just familiar, y'know? I'm not leaving you, and I'm not leaving my mum. I need you both, and to be honest, I think she might like me to be around for a bit anyway, so
she's not on her own. I can work for a year, save some money. You can get a job too, or retake or whatever you need to do, and then we can work out what we're doing, together. What do you think?”

  He looks so handsome when he smiles at me. “I think that's a great idea.” That beautiful dimple forms in his cheek and I trace it with my finger. “So, what happens if I do get a B in Maths?” he asks, and I grin at him.

  “Yeah... uh... that's never gonna happen.”

  “Oi!” He lunges for me, and grabs my shoulders, pulling me tight against him. I can feel his smile as he presses his lips to mine in a gentle kiss. It might not be one that tells me everything is going to be all right, but it's close.

  THE END

  Danni Keane lives in the depths of English suburbia, where she likes to divide her time equally between writing, daydreaming and napping.

  Having never really grown up, Danni fits right in at her day job, working with children. She spends her days avidly listening to the whimsical imaginings of five-year-olds, and then rushes home to shamelessly plagiarise their ideas. However, she has yet to write a story about an exploding ghost banana. Maybe one day….

  She loves to read and write all different types of stories, but her favourite characters usually have one thing in common: they are ordinary people with extraordinary dreams.

  You can contact her at:

  [email protected]

  https://www.facebook.com/dee.keane.90

  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5840927.Danni_Keane

  No Big Deal

  Danni Keane

  Still reeling from his father’s death and stuck in a job he hates, the only moments of happiness in Josh Roberts's life are those he spends with his boyfriend, Bradley. The boys are inseparable, and when they lose their virginity together, Josh feels closer to Bradley than he ever imagined.

  But Josh’s mum, proud of her son and his biggest supporter, expects Josh to go to university after his year off. He doesn’t want to disappoint her by telling her he’s changed his mind, and struggles to find a solution.

  When Bradley moves in with Josh and his mum, Josh truly believes life can be perfect again. But before long, their still-fragile feelings of connection and intimacy are tested when Bradley becomes secretive and distant. Anxious and confused, Josh is desperate to find out why Bradley is rejecting his affections. Bradley finally opens up, but what he reveals will change every aspect of their young love and quite possibly the rest of their lives.

  https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24293214-no-big-deal